for some time, i have been examining my life (and my faith) hoping to get a better perspective on both the fine details and the big picture. i have entertained outrageous ideas only to be tempered by my fear of losing touch with my family and friends. the fear of rejection is always a big factor when attempting to escape my involuntary spiritual brand, specially if you are still unprepared to face the consequences of venturing off into this difficult path.
i am 31 years old and was raised a catholic by my parents. my mother and father serve in the local church as devotedly as they can; my mom even holds a chairperson position in the parish. my brothers and i studied in catholic schools; my sister still does. from kindergarten until i graduated in college, i was surrounded by crucifixes, praise songs and the holy spirit.
my wife is a very devout catholic, and she wishes our son to follow in her footsteps -- something i am supporting 100%. she does her best to try and yank me out of this chain of thought, to pull me back inside the boat, probably fearing that i'd drown if i try to fit the ocean inside my head (and i love her for it.)
almost everyone i know are catholics: my friends, my relatives, my wife's relatives, their friends, and almost everyone in the country are catholics and christians. this is why it is a daunting task to go against what many hold dear in their hearts.
eventhough i don't intend to influence anyone else, i sign my own social death warrant if i try to remove this catholic patch off my workshirt. to question the accepted agreement of the ultimate fundamental truth decided upon by people who aren't here with us, by people who came before us long ago, and by people who also questioned the older religions and former beliefs so they can establish their own simply to promote order -- is without a doubt, a sin, a direct and painful attack against our creator, our spiritual center.
as catholics, we are told from the beginning that it is a sin to question the church's teachings, our faith. we are reminded of hell and damnation every time we entertain questions in our head, every time we "lose" faith. we have been brought up in fear which is why never ever dare step outside the holy box, or eat the apple from the tree.
fear is the reason why we adhere to this faith so blindly, and it is why i don't rush the process of my self-discovery and renovation. the possibility of being rejected by those people i hold dear in my heart is very real (specially if i loudly announce my objections). i cherish my wife and son's love, i appreciate the relationships i have with my family, friends and the rest of the society, and i'm not prepared to lose their acceptance that quickly, (in fact, maybe ever).
